Like It’s My Last (feat Beethoven)

It’s cold it’s gray and no one wants to get out of bed. Today I found a cartoon in the American University art building bathroom of a smiling triangle with the caption, “kill me.” I was just sitting, texting my friend when she exclaimed (I assume, I don’t know as it was a text) “I will not be one of those pregnant women who poops themselves in public!” to which I replied: famous last words. These are the steps that lead to this blog. What do you think your last words will be? Obviously we all hope they will reflect us, ooze knowledge, and explain all the mystery that was our lives.

Said before dying in 1957 from cancer of the esophagus, Humphrey Bogart  said “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.” Classic Humphrey, but I think too pretentious for me

“I finally get to see Marilyn.” According to his lawyer, Joe DiMaggio’s  final words were of his former love, Marilyn Monroe. He died in his home in 1999 following a battle with lung cancer. Good for Joe, ya know? That’s how you know you’re in love- when they are all you think about before you die. I hope to be that in love on my death bed… but mine will probably sound more like “I finally get to eat unlimited chicken nuggets”

Bing Crosby had a pretty great last breath as he stated after 18 holes, “That was a great game of golf, fellas.” 20 minutes later he suffered a fatal heart attack. He had been previously advised by his doctor to play no more than 9 holes due to a heart condition, so I guess he kinda knew what was coming. But I definitely don’t think that thats the worst way to go and it sounds like the game was worth it.

Bob Hope, when his wife asked him where he wanted to be buried he said “Surprise me.” (age 100)

The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s last words were “Don’t worry, they usually don’t swim backwards.”

In her final illness, Lady Nancy Astor sputtered “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?” as she awoke on her deathbed to see her family at her bedside.

Maybe my last words will be a mystery, like “Rosebud.” Or maybe they will be simple like, “I can’t sleep.” If I had to pick them right now though, I would use, “Applaud, my friends, the comedy is finished.” Weirdly Beethoven said that. I did start memorizing Woody Allen routines at age 7… which is KINDA like writing a symphony at age 9, so there’s our magic connection. The real question is, what will my last tweet be?

THERE I SAID IT: The Holiday Edition

There are many things about the holiday season that we either pretend to love or hate. Some gulp down egg nog, others hold in their sneezes around that beautiful tree, we shovel down marshmallows and sweet potatoes, or gently tell relatives that, “yes I am still single.”  I find my self playing the “grin and bear it” game quite a bit at this time of year. #tbh this cold weather that keeps us cooped up inside can often drive me a little insane…

As I am sure you have noticed “Joy” is a very popular word this time of year. Joy ornaments. Joy candles. Joy cups. Joy cookies. Joy lights. Joy cards. Joy picture frames. Joy bottles. Joy songs. JOY JOY JOY JOY! So like, yeah, its cool to see my name everywhere… for about two days. After that I just get a little overwhelmed. “Don’t be modest, Joy! This is your time!” said no one ever. Whenever I mistake a holiday outburst of “JOY” for my name I get a round of “Not everything is about you, JOY.” Well, Excuse me for living. Is it MY fault my parents were so happy when I was born that they just had to name me after the emotion that overwhelmed them?! (Is joy even an emotion?). So if you see something with joy on it and you send me a friendly snap chat or text of it, I won’t yell. If you post a cute joy light show on my wall (no idea what that would even be), I will gladly like it. But lets just keep in mind that everyone else is doing it to me too and don’t don’t DON’T buy it, because TRUST ME I have enough.

On the topic of Thanksgiving: I don’t like anything on the table but mashed potatoes… THERE. I SAID IT. Sorry. I’m sorry. But as I am sure you know, reader, I am allergic to quite a bit and therefore can not indulge myself in most of the pleasures of the holiday. Stuffing, pie, gravy, all things that I can’t eat. “But what about sweet potatoes! How about squash? Do you like your grandmas famous jello mold?” Uh…no. Maybe there are more things that I don’t like on the table then there are things that I CAN’T eat. I’m a picky eater, okay? I just don’t like being tied down to certain foods. This is also why I hate breakfast, because people say things like “you can’t have spaghetti for breakfast.” To that I say “I DON’T TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB!” I digress. I like the idea of thanksgiving, but I think my palate would appreciate a little more of an open menu.

The final example I will use to dampen your day is the pressure we have around this time of year. The pressure we have for snow. Am I innocent of putting this pressure on the clouds? Oh no. oh no no no, in fact I would say I exude the most pressure to the snow gods around this time of year. Every morning, starting the day after halloween, I wake up and look out my window hoping for a white coating on the ground. Does this cause unnecessary sadness in my morning routine? Maybe. Does this cause we to shed a tear or two in the shower? An average of four tears actually. But goddamn it I LIKE SNOW! And in this ever warming world we inhabit it is the only thing I have to know that we aren’t in hell yet.

For those of you who think this post is too cynical, take it with a grain of salt, if this were just a generic happy post you wouldn’t read it and you wouldn’t be laughing. I certainly am thankful for lots in my life and you should be too…AKA free speech and the people who upload stuff to netflix. Happy Thanksgiving