Bad to the bone

Am I a good person? You know how people say, “If you have to ask, the answer is probably no.” Well this logic leads to me to believe that I suck. I know, I know, I know, “you don’t suck Joy! Why are you even thinking this?!” Stop. To all of you reading this (12.3 of you- the .3 is for the people who just read the first sentence and then leave) you will inevitably tell me I am a good person. But I ask you for proof.

I use my phone at the dinner table… or any table… and in class, in the middle of conversations, when we’re watching a movie, when I feel awkward, all of the time. This makes me bad. Everyone does it but the people that don’t are the good ones. I don’t always make my bed, and by this I mean, today was the first time in two months I have made my bed. I sometimes leave my hair on the bathroom walls, which I am sure drives my roommates insane but they never say anything which makes them even better people and makes my ranking plummet even more. I always lose things, my ID, your dress, that book you lent me for that class that I was going to take but never actually did and you’ve been asking for it all semester but I never respond to your texts… I lose everything. I expect people to always be there when I need them and want them to have nothing else going on because their schedule should revolve around me. I have trouble sitting still and I can’t be alone for more then an hour or I start talking to myself. I never study for ANYTHING. All these reasons and more give me solid and undeniable evidence that I am NOT a good person. 

What do I do about it? I try to restore karma when I can, I take pictures for tourists, I let you sleep in my bed when you have a fight with your roommates, I will text you pictures of puppies when you’re stressed, but none of that seems to matter. Is this because I do it with too much intention and not out of the goodness of my heart? Perhaps I need to stop looking for opportunities to be good and rather let them come to me. *sigh* I am trying. But with all the time I spend on my phone, and looking for the next big trend on random sites, and avoiding my homework and studies, I am a very busy girl. 

I can’t write conclusions, only introductions.. and I think that is an accurate depiction of my life. I love everything so much that I can’t possible finish, or really just do, anything. Is this a reflection of the constant connectivity our generation is exposed to and how we can’t focus on anything without looking something up or telling others where we are and how we feel something? Like I said… I can’t do conclusions, I normally have my roommate write them for me, we should add that to my list too. If you have to ask the question… the answer is definitely, no.

Understatement #1- I am good at nothing.

I am not good at anything, unless you count putting in tampons and pissing off my dad. I have no true talents like some people do. I do not play the cello, I do not posses insane math skill, and I can hardly put together a decent looking out fit. I have frizzy hair that I skill haven’t quite mastered. No matter what products I try, no matter how much I will it to grow, no matter how good my shampoo smells, it always looks a little off. Although I have tried to learn the piano, the violin, and the saxophone I was never really any good or really ever interested in any of them enough to try hard. I went to hebrew school since pre-k and know how to say maybe 4 words in hebrew. All of these truths plus many others have lead me to the conclusion that I am not good at anything.

Further evidence of my inability to live? Okay! I will gladly share! I cannot spell. I do not mean this in a “I can’t spell a thing” joking manner, I literally mean I can’t spell any word that is not easily sounded out. I have already used spell check 5 times (yes I count) and if you notice I have not used any really hard words so this is a bad sign. Along the same lines, I have no sense of grammar. I don’t even know how to spell grammar so how can I possibly get it?! I can’t. I don’t. I won’t.

On a more serious note- I can’t parallel park. This is a real issue because I live in a city. I will literally park blocks and blocks from my intended location just so I do not have to do the grueling task. My inability stems from the fact that I once saw a man attempting to scoot into a spot and while doing so backed up into the car behind it so much that it hit the car behind that one! I screamed. I cried. I’ve been terrified ever since.

Do I let the horrendous amount of things I can’t do slow me down? Well- in terms of my slow reading habits yes… but in terms of life NO! I live on. I always have people edit my papers. I always applaud at concerts because I know I can never do what they do. I continue to marvel at people who can spend hours fascinated by research or figuring out a math formula. To all the talented people of the world I say, good for you. (I have now used spell check over 12 times just in case you wondered).

What will I do as a career, who knows? I surely don’t know. I assure you, though, that I will not travel to space, I will not be a teacher of any sort, and you will never see my designs on a runway or in a store. Sucess is in the eye of the beholder (is that a saying?). I just hope that at my 20th high school reunion, no matter how much weight I gain, people think of me not as a failure but as “living up to my potential” …whatever that means.